Men and women's perspective on exes.

I am thinking about relationships and men and women's way of thinking. Not all (or women) men seem to not like personal questions about their exes whereas women enjoy finding out and talking about their's ...well I do!

I am encountering a guy who may or may not (feels like may not from my POV at the moment) be something other than a friend in the future who finds it uncomfortable and I am not sure how that will pan out as I feel it is a bit superficial if you can't talk about it. I wrote this weeks ago he definitely won't be anything other than friend ...in fact it turned out we might not even be friends ...he had different intentions to me , but that's another story! Blehhh

A mountainous journey.

I  suddenly thought I would like to ask Billy Connolly a question, the question would be this: did you go into comedy to work through your emotional stuff, or was it by accident, and how hard was it to experience the emotions as you were writing your material?
The reason I want to know this question this because I'm thinking of writing a play about me and my ex to try to resolve things in my brain to try to work through them and if I felt it didn't have to be uncomfortable to experience them I would be more likely to pursue it to the end
Because I'm the sort of person who just does things, goes for it sometimes treads where other people don't dare. I would do it of course it may be impossible because how would one get a direct message to somebody who's famous like that ? I imagine myself scouring the country for him, going to his gigs just to ask that one question, a mountainous journey! well I've made a start I had a look at Twitter had a look at Facebook etc there's no way as I suspected that you can get through to him directly his Twitter account was last used in 2013... and as far as I'm aware ( not that I'm very aware when it comes to social media, especially Twitter!) you can't direct message someone anyway... and I wouldn't want other people to see the question because if he was at all likely to answer he might not want to answer publicly. I don't know but come to think of it knowing him he probably as it was watching his two programs about his life that made me think about it as he's put a lot of it out there in a sense... but probably being a very busy creative person he wouldn't have time anyway. that's probably why he's not using Twitter anymore he's living his life unlike a lot of people who use Twitter just for something to pass the time to give their life more meaning this is the larger question isn't it why is it that people have to use social media to give their life meaning is in enough that they're human beings and they're interacting with other human beings I do believe that when things like power cuts happen you get the community back people talk to people it often than it seems to be either catastrophe or just some kind of huge irritation like not having electricity the gets people to talk to one another. Very sad! And I just realised as I'd forgotten he has Alzheimer's ...so all that I've said above is irrelevant in a way!

Life is something that happens when you are looking the other way. .

I haven't blogged for a while because of life, not an excuse really..maybe migraines,back ache, neck aches and eye infection are better ones... as I have had all of those  these last 2 weeks since V died... and this has culminated in a semi cold which has been festering for nearly a week, which would be ok but at my choir Monday  I had to hold back a cough by drinking lots of water  in  case people thought they  would be infected.  It made singing high notes not a pleasant prospect as that is what started me off. ..the highlight was the break, chatting to lovely empathetic people about the impending funeral and eating home made cake!

The funeral was yesterday at the crematorium Golders Green-a lovely service by Andrew Pavloveyi, who does humanist and religious funerals.Such a compassionate man! I knew him already, and had wanted him to do the service but didn't want to impose my wishes- as it turned out he was able to negotiate. ..I thought I had left my phone in the funeral car , I realised it during the service of course I couldn't run out to check, so I thought if I  perhaps I had dropped it in the street, although that was £400 down the drain I would have to accept it as Victor was more important!
After the service Andrew kindly checked the car,  found it and brought it to me! Trust me!
.One of the funeral party thought the car may not be bringing us home which would be crazy, why would they take you there respectfully then dump you! I wrote this years ago and didn't publish it I think because looking at it now it doesn't have anything of interest in it except perhaps for me I might as well publish anyway be brave put my inner thoughts out there I can't believe though how long has passed since this happened Victor died 4 or 5 years ago.

A bishop for every season

On Wednesday I
I was at the church where I sing in the choir on Sunday, practising

on their piano when a guy came in, he asked if I knew where father Graham was. I took him to the priests quarters and rang the bell, when someone answered the door the gentleman was told father Graham passes himself off as a Catholic priest when he is not , he's a vicar in a Christian church!  It reminded me of a bishop I met at the crematorium a while ago who was unlike any bishop, he was quite vulgar, he told Mark and I about a couple he had seen on his way to the crem,  being sexual in their car as he was driving up the motorway, he explained about her having her chest out, he very calm lunch used the T word, the one that is also a blue coloured bird. Then he asked me if I wanted to see his credentials, lifting his robe, pretending he was going to show his private parts,  he showed me his wallet! He was just about to conduct a funeral- I was disgusted!  This was the hypocrisy of  a religious figure that one doesn't expect at a funeral

Later I was cycling down to the cinema to see the sex tape, I chatted to a guy who was in a van marked ambulance with a logo of a company one the side I stopped him to ask if what it meant he explained that the Nhs pay private companies to provide patient transport, we had an interesting chat. It's odd how he asked me if I was an actor, or a famous celebrity- I don't know why, he seemed to think I was hiding it, when I told him that I am a volunteer music journalist. I said" if you want to have your fantasies that I am you can, but I am not and I don't want to be famous!"  He really did see something in me that I did not, he said I had a great voice I spoke well I was easy to understand, (he wasn't English) I could be a teacher...  I chatted to him for ages & missed the 7pm film. It was worth it!

The film was great.  It was funny, absorbing, and had thought provoking scenes in it. Which  didn't expect!

 The photo is the back of the British library. As I cycled down that road it captured my vision with it's imposing scale.

Life is changing again.

We dealt with Victor's things in his flat yesterday,  Y wants to keep it try to find a way which may be a big challenge with the council but just in case she didn't want the council to get his things things which held memories for her and Cam.

I was there til 1am last night helping sort through his bedroom filling boxes for charity, boxes of  things they wanted to keep especially for Cam, clothes etc we did find secret letters something which Cam wanted to investigate lt's like V had a diffferent life we didn't know about which he had kept a secret for over twenty years!
I can't say what it was yet until I get their permisssion...
 It was light hearted as well as sad... a girl who was the same age as Cam who knew Vic like a family member as well came to stay, to help with the sorting and give moral support, so we were all chatting and laughing at things. Especially the old books which said things about when the housewife had to cook, in the old days when women had to stay at home and keep house, it was hilarious!

I don't know what they did today as I my choir started again.

I was feeling tearful and angry earlier and I don't know why, I don't feel I have the right to feel that upset about V when he wasn't as close to me ...but maybe it brings up things about my mum, as I felt quite low last Wednesday being at the Royal free hospital, remembering when I was there with my mum, and I didn't want to stay as I thought V was going to pass  that night. I wanted to leave yet I felt I had to stay in case I regretted it, and to support them...

The good fight is over.

So, it's finally all over, the last few days have been surreal going to the hospital every day- It's amazing how Victor has been so up and down, one minute on death's door semi conscious, then the  next chatting again... it seemed he was fine when we were there then in the small hours he would deteriorate. Finally the doctors said he wasn't improving and they had to make a decision which they struggled with and I said best to ask V if he wants to let go which he said he did by squeezing Camille's hand -
It was just a matter of waiting it could have been a few days but I think once he knew that they had accepted his letting go he didn't fight anymore...

So that night I was sitting in Mcdonalds in Kentish town past midnight and Yolande called, I thought she's probably bored in the ward, but no, it was to say that V had had his last breath and he had passed!

 Thinking back last night I  realised as I cycled to hospital the first day I had detached myself from Victor all the years I knew him, in 20 years I didn't give him any affection although I was fond of him...odd.. but I did hold his hand a bit in hospital, and kissed him on the head the second day when he was alert and seemed to be getting better, also when I left Saturday night knowing I may not see him again, he was semi conscious then or maybe asleep, as he didn't respond. ..it's easier for them now having spent literally 5 days at the hospital taking it in turns also he was comfortable and had his dignity as Yolande said Cami had his first day at Guildhall Uni tomorrow he promised Vic he would carry on as normal as did Yolande.
Another post I didn't publish! Written in 2014! Do I think so little of my writing ? Yes maybe it is boring for people but I may as well put it out there nothing to lose eh!!

The miracle has been relinquished.

Last night was fantastic at the hospital, Victor was in great spirits  chatting happily with Yolande and Cam when I arrived.  The nurse didn't laugh at his jokes,  sadly her sense of humour seemed to have been taken away from her, perhaps the nhs stole it away. .. We stayed til 10pm all so happy we felt like we had been given a gift!  Yolande told me the doctors couldn't believe he had pulled through!

We left on a high, the three of us were like teenagers messing around- Cam got in a discarded push chair and his mum tried to push him, (no chance! )

Y and I went back to Victor's and discussed the terrible  things that are happening with the UK especially the privatisation of the Nhs. I said basically we will have to stay well as we won't be able to afford treatment!  Use all the self development tools we have learnt to stay positive, in order not to be ill! We became a bit maudlin til we talked about how it would be great to grow your own vegetables, or make products from natural resources, as Y made her own toothpaste, from coconut cream and some other ingredient, I can't remember which ..

Then we discussed the visualisation technique which really does work! Trevor my teacher uses it in solo singing class at the City lit. He talks about imagining you have a mouth at the back of your head, and when you want to open your soft palate to produce a high note, you imagine that little mouth opening.  I think of that advert where the cartoon character's head splits in two so he can brush his teeth. It works!
At 530 am the hospital called Cam to say Victor deteriorated again back to square one!